I chose a vegan diet as part of my list of decision to a more conscious way of living, and out of love and compassion for the planet and animals. I’ve had coffee colonics with an add-on of castor oil... ya know...because everything starts in the gut.

Speaking of the gut, I now know that onions, coffee, alcohol, garlic an sugar are not recommended for spiritual progress. On the other hand — avocado, kale, cacao and dates can enhance your spiritual connection. I am also aware that I might use too much turmeric and ginger because I am fascinated with the fact it can cure almost every disease or condition,
according to Ayurveda lessons I took.


I stopped all medication and started using essential oils to treat my pain, stress, anxiety, and even to clean my house. Oh, my house always smells like sage and palo santo. I’ve tucked crystals in planters for protection.
I sometimes wake up between 3:30am-4:00am to meditate or do Kundalini (apparently that’s the time where an energy portal opens up). Every morning, I reset my body by drinking warm water with apple cider
vinegar and lime. I repeat empowering affirmations while I shower. I do rituals every Full Moon to manifest my goals and New Moon to release things and emotions that do not serve me. I’ve been part of cacao ceremonies, tea ceremonies and sound bath healing ceremonies. (Still not brave enough yet to sit with mother ayahuasca — although, she’s been on my mind. Or should I say soul?). I even flew to Bali to a Yoga and Meditation Retreat for two weeks— in an eco-lodge, in the middle of the jungle. I’ve dragged myself (and some friends) to every spiritual and conscious workshop possible that I could pay and attend. And just like kids trading baseball cards, I am always exchanging the names of energy workers and shamans with friends. I took a lot of crap from friends and lovers because I thought tolerance was the “spiritual” course of action (or non-action).

I’ve developed the capacity of being less attached to my wants and more content with my needs being fulfilled.
I’ve knelt crying at the feet of my rescue dog and asked her earnestly: “What is this situation teaching me now?”
I’ve sat in lotus position with full awareness of my breath — in and out. Consciously inhaling energy of  transformation and exhaling rage towards the people who keeps buying dogs instead of adopting.
I’ve reckoned that I’d better clean up any resentment towards my parents to resolve it being manifested as a tumor.
I’ve learned about somatizing emotions and unresolved traumas, the power of what you tell yourself (words matter), and the science of the mind. And apparently, I have undesirable roommates living in my brain telling me all
kinds of negative stuff and judging all-the-time. No worries, I already sent them an eviction notice.
I’ve worked on connecting with the Creator. And very particular images of light with color showed up that I later understood as a key part of my enlightenment process and finding my truth. I got certified as a yoga instructor under a guru from India, a reiki master from a very pure linage institute, a Theta Healer, and a life and wellness
coach with a specialization in spiritual psychology. BUT...there is always one... Honestly, I have to confess... somewhere between the yoga practice, support calls, and visits to my healer — my spiritual path had become another to-do-list; just like my equally long list of career and family must-dos. 

 

It’s endless: drop-off and pick-up at school, homework and reading club, cook organic, vegan, gluten and sugar free food, answer all emails and text messages during the day, manage my finances, plan how to make my first
million, swipe left or right on Tinder. Oh, and can’t forget to do my part to save the planet from global warming. I am out of breath (both; the in and out) every day.

There is a conflict between my sincere spiritual search/reconnection and the compulsion to improve... And even though I am tired, I am still devoted to knowing more! So, now, usually my days start a little bit “behind” because I want to sleep a couple more minutes. I accept I am going to be late for my morning practice, but from there it is all uphill. I have the drill with the kids: wake them up, bathe, uniforms, breakfast, walk the dog, lunchboxes and backpacks, get myself ready, and drive them to school. I try to play my mantra or meditation playlist (who doesn’t have a spiritual playlist nowadays?) while I prepare breakfast for the kids (no breakfast for me because I am either fasting or on a juicing cleanse). By the time night comes, I sink into a warm bath with lavender oil and Himalayan pink salt — a classic brew to dispel and cleanse negative energy. I top it off with a white candle next to rose quartz for self-love and light up some incense sticks. Then, after reflecting on forgiveness, letting go, not taking anything
personal, breathing light, and begging to my angels for guidance and protection... I find myself in the mirror — naked, alone, still, silent, raw, and my eyes asking me: “Do you finally feel free?" Because, for me, it’s all about liberation from fear, anxiety, judgment, suffering, shame, and not being able to be and enjoy my true self. The truth, my truth, is that freedom is not something I need to earn. Freedom is not something I do. Freedom is something I am. But I’ve had to fight for my freedom and my joy: Be me, honor my-self. So, that is also my truth, and it’s been exhausting work. Now, facing my soul, I can say I am freedom and joy; about 90%. I wonder if all that intense self-help and spiritual work was a really a messed up desperate way to do it...

...Could I have just embraced myself and loved myself and saved a ton of energy, time and money?

Maybe... but, probably not. The truth is that this was my journey. However, what I can tell you with certainty is that
underneath much of our self-help can be a lot of self-hatred, criticism, perfectionism, and low self-esteem absorbed from childhood trauma carried over years. Also, all those voices in your head telling you that you are not enough are also telling you that maybe all you need is another workshop on finding your purpose in life. Spiritual practice can be a form of punishment if you feel you don’t deserve love and joy the way you are right now. Yes, spirituality is better than resorting to things such as alcohol and other drugs. However, when it comes from that dark place — the search for a better version of yourself will be endless, relentless, and ruthless. Let me ask you: Can you imagine not wanting to be different? Answer honestly and consider this sacred paradox: “Transformation begins with the radical acceptance of what it is.”
There is something called “spiritual bypass” by Dr. John Welwood. It is defined as “the use of spiritual practices and beliefs to avoid dealing with our painful feelings, and unresolved wounds...” Signs of it can be “exaggerated detachment, emotional numbing, over emphasis on the positive, anger-phobia, blind or overly tolerant compassion, weak or too porous boundaries, judgment about one’s negative or shadow side, and delusions of having arrived at the tiger level of being...” Anyone? (sigh) ...Yeah...me too. What I want to leave you is the realization that it’s not how we seek spiritual growth — it’s why we seek it. After a lifetime of seeking illumination, I’m now not just gambling on this. And guess what? I’m totally IN! I lust for light. I’m here to serve. I will probably keep searching and doing — but this time — from a place of unconditional love.